I asked my friends to search "bitches" in their gmail archives, and forward me the funniest chat/email they found.
This is what they sent.
Names have been changed, to protect these bitches' privacy, except in the instances where that bitch is me.
Posted on Friday, 10 June
Nora: so… tonight
will be epic.
I’m bringing my camera, bitches!
me: seriously epic
Nora: i think there’s a fog machine. and ice sculptures.
me: oh, jeesh.
good thing i wore my garter belt.
Posted on Saturday, 19 February
me: That’s another career idea for you. Lessons in Being Cool.
Posted on Saturday, 19 February
me: pretty sure that making a bet is also a form of mocking!
bitches
mike doesnt want me to have the zippy epi wallet in cassis that i want
pooh
Posted on Thursday, 17 February
Jena: holy crap! did you see what they’re charging for that show? $75!! So with the fees it’s probably closer to $90! oh well…
Jena: what little bitches!
i’m sorry i didn’t mean that i was upset…
Jaime: take it back!
Jena: well forgive me, but i thought they would never sell out
Posted on Wednesday, 16 February
Ray: As a figure skater I’m totally untrustworthy. Here’s why: I can never be trusted to not skate in gorgeous figures. Also, I can be hardly trusted to not keep it held down at all times. More to that, I can scarcely be trusted to not flip bitches if they’re hogging my sternum.
Posted on Wednesday, 16 February
You won’t believe how much sugar i just bought, sugars. We bitches be hyper tonight.
Posted on Wednesday, 16 February
me: is that the number of problems you have?
and if so, how many of them are bitches?
If you were Jay-Z, the answer would be: None.
Posted on Wednesday, 16 February
Colleen: gettin a ski boat this week
bitches
me: shut up.
which parent is buying said boat for you?
Colleen: Mommy
she lives on the best waterskiing water evershe can’t not
its a law of science
we have a dock, too
i’m outfitting the dock for parties
me: i just had a wave of upper middle class nausea
but the thing is
it’s a pleasant nausea
Posted on Wednesday, 16 February
(excerpted from an email which pretty much summed up all of Greek Mythology)
Artemis “A newborn goddess, daughter of Zeus, that wanted to remain forever young and hunting through the woods”: she could do mad shit with a bow and arrow
Persephone “Daughter of Demeter, half-time lover of Hades”: longing for sunshine, flowers and her goldentressed mother (its a long story), she spends half her time in the underworld and half up top
Then there are the Minor Gods including the Nymphs & Muses (sexy, manipulative bitches), the Satyrs (stinky, half man/half-goat/perpetually erect members), Centaurs (top half man, bottom half horse)
Prometheus “Stole Fire” : loved him some BBQ
Posted on Tuesday, 15 February
SUBJECT LINE: NECESSITIES FOR A BODACIOUS WEEKEND
beers and booze, boats, beaches, bitches and boys, bongs and blunts, burgers, bodysurfing, big waves, boobies and butts, balls and boners.
note* the last one was your idea. it sounds a little raunchy to me, infact i think i
could still have a bodacious weekend with out the last one.
Posted on Tuesday, 15 February
(Submitter’s note: The word bitches came up in the unfunny response to the response to the original email that I submitted. But it still came up when I searched bitches. Does that count?)
(Editor’s note: Yeah, totally.)
March 6:
isn’t this that guy that puked in your bidet?
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/harpers_island/bio/jimmy_mance_/bio.php?season=
Posted on Tuesday, 15 February
You bring the Snackwell’s and I’ll bring my appetite (we’re such bitches!)
